You are my best friend, but cannot be my boyfriend

Tonight, Kyoto is so cold and rainy... 

as cold as it is.. im lucky to find a warm but cold song

a song that best describe how i feel once upon a time

Wonder Girls - Friend

All day I’ve been wanting to see your face
I can’t seem to focus on any of my work
The smile on your face when you sometimes stare at me
Without even realizing I want to confess to you that I like you.

I like being just a friend to you
If it means that I’ll be by your side
I don’t want to forget you
Cuz you’re my most important friend

you′re my best friend
but you can′t be my boy friend
Whenever I look at you,
You always look back at me as just a friend

you′re my everything
but I can’t confess to you
You live inside my heart

Whenever I’m staring at you
As nothing more than just a friend
Without even realizing my heart starts to hurt

I’m afraid that my true feelings will show
So I try to hide it to myself
I’m slowly growing farther away from you

I like being just a friend to you
If it means that I’ll be by your side
I don’t want to forget you
Cuz you’re my most important friend

you′re my best friend
but you can′t be my boy friend
Whenever I look at you,
You always look back at me as just a friend

you′re my everything
but I can’t confess to you
You live inside my heart

From now on when I’m by your side
I’ll see you only as a good friend
But I’ll still cherish you
As much as I like you

you′re my best friend
but you can′t be my boy friend
Whenever I look at you,
You always look back at me as just a friend

you′re my everything
but I can’t confess to you
You live inside my heart

하루 종일 니 얼굴만 바라보고 싶어지는걸
haru jongil ni ulgoolman barabogo shipuhjineungul
다른 일 모두 손에 잡히지 않는걸
dareun il modu sonye jabheeji ahnhnuengul
가끔 날 쳐다보며 미소짓는 너의 모습에
gaggeum nal chyudabomyu misojitneun nuhui moseubye
나도 모르게 좋아한다 말하고 싶어
nado moreukye johahhada malhago shipuh

친구라도 좋아
chingurado johah
니 곁에 있을 수 있다면
ni gyutye itteul su ittdamyun
널 잃고싶지 않아
nul eethgoshipji ahnhah
내 가장 친한 친구인 널
nae gajang chinhan chinguin nul

you′re my best friend
but you can′t be my boy friend
내가 너를 쳐다볼 때도 항상
naega nuhreul chyudabol ddaedo hangsang
너는 내 친구만 쳐다보지
nuhneun nae chinguman chyudaboji

you′re my everything
하지만 말할 수 없어
hajiman malhal su uhbtuh
내 맘속에 살고 있는 널
nae mamsokye salgo ittneun nul

항상 널 보고 있을 때면
hangsand nul bogo itteul ddaemyun
니 옆에 있는 친구 모습에
ni yupye ittneun chingu moseubye
나도 모르게 내 맘이 아파오는 걸
nado moreukye nae mamee ahpawooneun gul

이런 내 맘을 들킬까봐
eerun nae mameul deulkeelkkabwa
나 혼자서 내 맘 달래고
na honjasuh nae mam dalraego
조금씩 너와 멀어져가고 있어
jogeumsshik nuhwa muhluhjyugago ittuh

친구라도 좋아
chingurado johah
니 곁에 있을 수 있다면
ni jyutye itteul su ittdamyun
널 잃고 싶지 않아
nal eethgo shipji ahnhah
내 가장 친한 친구인 널
nae gajang chinhan chinguin nul

you′re my best friend
but you can′t be my boy friend
내가 너를 쳐다볼 때도 항상
naega nuhreul chyudabol ddaedo hangsang
너는 내 친구만 쳐다보지
nuhneun nae chinguman chyudaboji

you′re my everything
하지만 말할 수 없어
hajiman malhal su uhbtuh
내 맘속에 살고 있는 널
nae mamsokye salgo ittneun nul

이젠 니 옆에서
eejyen ni yupyesuh
내 좋은 친구로만
nae joheun chinguroman
널 바라볼게 내가 너를 아껴줄께
nul barabolkye naega nuhreul ahkkyujulkkye
널 좋아하는 만큼
nul johahhaneun mankeum

you′re my best friend
but you can′t be my boy friend
내가 너를 쳐다볼 때도 항상
naega nuhreul chyudabol ddaedo hangsang
너는 내 친구만 쳐다보지
nuhneun nae chinguman chyudaboji

you′re my everything
하지만 말할 수 없어
hajiman malhal su uhbtuh
내 맘속에 살고 있는 널
nae mamsokye salgo ittneun nul

you′re my best friend
but you can′t be my boy friend
내가 너를 쳐다볼 때도 항상
naega nuhreul chyudabol ddaedo hangsang
너는 내 친구만 쳐다보지
nuhneun nae chinguman chyudaboji

you′re my everything
하지만 말할 수 없어
hajiman malhal su uhbtuh
내 맘속에 살고 있는 널
nae mamsokye salgo ittneun nul
내 맘속에 살고 있는 널
nae mamsokye salgo ittneun nul

And i found amazing clip with it...

one of the saddest movie I ever watched.

Tamaki and Aoi Miyazawa's Heavenly Forest

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULtSQxOZt28&feature=related

The Road We Never Travelled Along

While wandering around my room last night, try to get all my presentations material done in time, I suddenly found a paper. My own writing.. the last writing about letting someone so dear to us go. I sat down and read it again.. I remember that I wrote it after listen to story of friend and then my heart screaming, "you have been in that position too! And you probably might do that again in the future"....

I remember how difficult to actually let go of someone, without asking all questions. Not to mention if we find out that he finally find someone or leaving the city, just after we decide to let him go. Sometimes, that doesnt make anything easier. It made us wandering `why?`... Yet..we have to live on. To move on. To let him go is a must. But we, girl, tend to keep a memory of him. A compensation for being inable to actually let him go. Do we really never able to let go of someone so dear without getting hurt, yet successfully doing it?

An answer came fast... the song from Lior and Sia gave me

I left you out
Inside my heart
How easily
This could be the start
And rip my life apart

Like a bowerbird collecting blue
See me gather words
To let you know
It's hard to let this go

But I'm making up my mind
I'll forget you in time

You still make me cry
Like a song of the east
That loses its centre
But always finds its way back home
How this bird has flown

So I'm making up my mind
Gonna rescue myself tonight
Yeah I'm making up my mind
I'll forget you in time

I am leaving you
You are leaving me
We've sung our song
And we chose to roll on
Although this love never fades
It's time to forget the road we never travelled along

So I've made up my mind
Gonna rescue myself tonight
Yeah I've made up my mind
I'll forget you in time.

======

We want to let go, dear one.. I want to rescue myself
Its not only you leaving, I am leaving too...
It is the time to forget even a dream about the road that we never travelled along
Then, I will forget you in time
just in time before you actually leaving my life

cheer up, girls...we are strong ^_^

Is it my hand you want to hold?

The moment you enter the room

My heart stops

Not because I haven't seen you in a day

But a glimpse of a girl standing next to you 

Lucky me, she is only your classmate

You said that the moment your eyes meet mine

But dear one..

There is a poem already written for you, here..

Its not my forehead you want to kiss

Its not my laughter you want to hear

Its not my hand you want to hold

Its not my presence you want to feel

Yet, I am still hanging around...hopeless and livingless

As if you read my mind, you hold my hand that night

one time..two times...three times...

You hold it so often like you never wish to release it

But today, why being so cold again?

Is it really my hand you want to hold?

Fish Cake and the Falling Leaf

To be honest, I am writing this notes with guilty feeling. Why? Actually, i supposed to finish a paper on low carbon future tonight as I have to submit it tomorrow. But then, I remember when my brain works at its best. a deadliner brain, works perfect from 2-5 am ;P

So, rather than spending my afternoon (read 1-5) in front of the computer and racks my brain out, I choose to enjoy Rits Festival. It`s an annual student festival with multiple stages for music performance, countless food stall and flea market. Rits is changing its color today. Like the leaf which change from green into red and yellow this autumn. While wandering around the super crowded campus with Kisi, I found one food stall that steal my whole attention. The stall is none other than たいやきfood stall, or FISH CAKE!  

Despite its simple design, this fish cake is actually my favorite food in Japan sooo far. It is sweet cake with red bean inside. Eat it while it is still hot. nyam..nyam...nyam...yummmyyy.... ask everybody who went this with me to buy this; mas meidi, kisi, hisashi or irene; and you will know how much i love this particular cake. Ooohh... I can`t stop eating that. And what`s the best of all, I finally know that Japan sell the ready fish cake on package!!! So, all i need to do is to fry them and it is ready to serve. YAAAYYY!!! I am on my way to hunt those fish cake packages! hahahahahahaa.....

While to finally find one good food is certainly one thing, to find a replacement for one favorite smell is just another good thing. Back home, I always love the smell of wet soil after the rain. So far as I can remember, I always like to spent hours in front of my house and my boarding house garden after the rain. The smell is so nice and distinctive. 

When I experience my first rain in Japan, I couldn`t wait for the rain to stop and smell that one good smell. But I was left with empty hope. The smell was not there. I couldn`t find it... I was a bit sad, but I keep my hope high though. I guess, God is always let us to feel home whereever we are, coz this earth is just one. Yesterday, when I had music performance in Kyoto University, I finally find one nice smell that reminds me of the wet soil one. It is the smell of falling leaf in the garden after the rain. How can I distict that? here`s the case. We had a performance in one building. But we had to practice in front of the next building. Between this two building, there is a huge garden of which trees are letting go of its leaf. And it was after the rain yesterday.. After having to go back and forth between the two building, I realize that the garden has this wonderful smell that keep your heart in calm and peaceful state. The combination of the falling leaf, the rain and wet soil is just amazing. I wish Rits has those kind of garden. I would love to stay in front of it for hours rather than in this one small computer room..

fish cake and falling leaf.. what could be better than this two :)

When a time to let go someone so dear has come

What`s hurt more than letting go of someone so dear to us go?

Back then, I read a famous quotation
If you love someone, set him free
If he never come back, he will never be yours
But if he come back, he is forever yours

How much is a chance of a man you like to like you back and come back to you after he left?
How much is a chance of a man to find a home in you?
How many roads to take to finally find that man?
and How much is a chance of a man to come back to you after he left?
When we think that we finally meet that man
We just stupidly realize that it seems that there is a missing link.. a missing piece in the puzzle
And he just left without you knowing whether there is or was you in his heart

a friend reminds me that love can be so beautiful. It can make you happy. Turn you into the happiest girl on earth. But love can be so painful. So painful as it can be that you won`t ever think to fall for any guy again

Sometimes, I think that the world is acting on its own account. It doesn`t bother how people actually want to do, have or feel. The world is no different than an old man. He stand so distance from us. Watching us with his old clock in his hand and standing with his walking stick. So firm he stands that he will only laugh at our good and wrong doings. He laugh, and he just left. Like it is, then when we have life that we want without a man inside to complete us, he suddenly appear in our door. Then, he suddenly can give us the happiest moments in our life. But suddenly, life took him back, robed him from us without we ever expected it. Without asking how we feel. Without giving us a chance to reach him back. He is no different than a shooting star. He appears as fast as he dissapears. Left us alone in despair. Left us alone to find some safe ways to let him go. To let him go..

And to let someone so dear to us go doesn`t come easy. It involves feelings called sadness, hurt, desperation, hopeless, and livingless. That`s why, I guess why love can be sooo painful, though it made us happy for some times. It takes a whole lot courage to enjoy the wonderful feeling of being in love with someone. And it takes a whole lot of courage and love too when a time to let go of someone so dear to us has come.. To let him go without asking `will you comeback to me?`

my early days in japan

After living in Japan just for a few days, I know that living here is just more complicated that I ever imagine before. All things came up at the same time, leaving me to wonder and think what I should do. Its like Im living unreal world here. Sometimes, i just went blank and made mistakes. Some I think fatal and some others just can leave them behind. Having these new environment, I turn my self into a very dependent personality. I depend on Kisi, my new Chinese friend who has been with me since our stay in international house. My Japanese languange skills shows no improvement whatsoever. And just recently, I made mistake, a fatal one, just because I am clueless for what I suppose to do. I do pay the price...

I am lucky though, having wonderful indonesian student as a family and several new friends to help me overcome all these problems. They offer helping hands eventhough they know me just for a while. But yet..i feel so unease. I feel like a burden to them. I don`t know how they actually feel. I guess, I just gonna face this alone. Moving to a new place might be a good start. A place full of sunshine. Learning again and struggle again. I guess it will be painful and hard. But we all learn the hardest way, are we? Living Kisi behind might be as hard as I can feel. But I guess I have too. I start to become very dependent to her. Its really not good. I have to get into my own feet. Oh goosshh..I guess I will make another mistake. again! That`s all i can do, right?? I am just clueless right now..

soal ketelitian

Daku tu orang paling enggak teliti se-dunia. Pa lagi sama yang namanya angka. Tapi kebetulan banget ya..pas tadi ngutak atik alias mensederhanakan laporan pertanggungjawaban kabupaten gianyar buat dimasukkan dalam penelitian, ternyata daku menemukan kejanggalan angka. Dari dua perhitungan mengenai belanja pegawai, hasilnya jauh beda. Apa ini terjadi di semua LKPJ daerah?

never hurts like this

"do you know how much its hurts to like and not be liked in return?"

"do you know how much its hurts to like someone, but yet he likes your friend?"

"and do you know how much it hurts to know the fact that the one you like laugh at other's miserable fate of broken heart?"


It means double pain, triple hurts, and millions of failing faith.

He, the one I really like after all this time, laugh at an attempt made by a good friend in expressing his love. His attempts might be unprofessional, rookie style you may call it. But yet, it is an expression of love. No matter what. Really..this attempt doesn't hurt anybody.

For God's sake...its a flattery if you want to call it. Yet, you laugh about it, make fun of that one friend, and thinking of teaching him something. Oh gosh...he would be better off without any of your ridiculous teaching. Coz I know, no matter what he will do, you will laugh at him on his back along with the one he has trusted all his stories.

You and your friend might never understand what's the meaning of not being loved in return. I know that you have all the priviledges a man can has. Knock it off..get yourself involve with any girl you like. Coz Im leaving you.

Coz this is the answer to my prayer. My heart might be broken inside, but God has shown me who you trully are. The true face of yours... God has saved my soul from hoping that you might be the one I'm looking for all this years. God has saved my mind from thingking of you any longer..God has saved my life..

And I hope God will save your life too..